If anyone is in DC for the summer, definitely check this out. It’s one of the best comedy festivals in the country, and every year, top acts are rolled out continuously throughout the weekend. ALSO, there are competitions and events for which submissions are still being accepted. Here’s this year’s rundown straight from them:

THE DCCOMEDYFEST IS:
A year-round project to find the next great acts and partnering with industry players and institutions to give those acts the best visibility possible at various venues around the DC area. Since the beginning, dccf has focused on finding talented and experienced performers who made us laugh - both hot new names and known performers doing new and interesting things. This year includes our first ever Comedy Screenplay Challenge!
http://www.dccomedyfest.com

MEDIA COVERAGE!
http://www.dccomedyfest.com/dccf/media.htm
http://www.thebastion.org/2008/06/dc_comedy_festivals_comedy_scr_1.html
http://punchlinemagazine.com/blog/dc-comedy-fest-adds-screenplay-and-video-contests
http://stagetimemag.com/standup/?p=845
http://video.nbc4.com/player/?id=269861
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/06/05/AR2008060502020.html

THE SHOWS!

POLITICS IS FUNNY, FRESH VOICES INDUSTRY AUDITION SHOW, RUCKUS! GULF COAST COMEDY, THE WEIRD SHOW, CHICAGO COMEDY, SUPER ALT.
http://www.dccomedyfest.com/dccf/shows.htm

VENUES!

THE DC IMPROV, THE BLACK CAT, THE SOURCE THEATER, THE SYNAGOGUE @ 6TH & I, THE BETTS THEATRE @ GW, ARLINGTON CINEMA & DRAFTHOUSE, SOLLY’S TAVERN, THE COMEDY SPOT, TOWN
http://www.dccomedyfest.com/dccf/venue.htm

HEADLINERS!

LIZZ WINSTEAD (”The Daily Show”), JB SMOOVE (Curb your Enthusiasm), REGGIE WATTS (stand-up), TJ MILLER (ABC’s Carpoolers, Cloverfield), 4 SHADES OF BLACK (Brooklyn Comedy Company), SWITCHBOARD (long-form improv), MISLED (sketch comedy), TODD BARRY (Flight of the Conchords), JESSICA KIRSON (stand-up), OWEN SMITH (writer/performer: “Everybody Hates Chris”), ROB CANTRELL (Stand-up: finalist on Season 1 “Last Comic Standing”), TIG NOTARO (Stand-up)
http://www.dccomedyfest.com/dccf/acts.php

COMPETITIONS!

SHORTFILM COMPETITION:

WINNER of Judge’s Award AND On-Line Audience Award WILL RECEIVE airing of his/her short on dccomedyfest website, airing in high profile position on industry leading video portal, before selected shows and high profile dccf venues and $250.

SCREENPLAY/TELEPLAY COMPETITION:

WINNER IN BOTH THE SCREENPLAY AND TELEPLAY CATEGORIES WILL RECEIVE staged reading of two scenes from his/her screenplay for industry audience at dccomedyfest, trip to dccomedyfest 2008 and 3 month representation of the project by Rain Management Group.

Competition judges:
- DAPHNE ZUNIGA (”Spaceballs,” “A Sure Thing”)
- JONATHAN BARUCH (Partner, Rain Management Group, LA)
- ALI BELL (VP of Production/Development, THE MONTECITO PICTURE COMPANY)
- PAUL GETTO (Creative Executive, ROGUE PICTURES)
- AMEE McNAUGHTON (Creative Executive, FOX 2000)
- NICK WEIDENFELD (Head of Development, ADULT SWIM)

Deadline for Submissions: July 10th
http://www.dccomedyfest.com/dccf/submissions.htm

SPONSORS!

Our Newest Addition: MYSPACE!
Also: Politico, The Onion, Hotel Helix, DC Vote, Rooftop Comedy, One in Ten, RMG
http://www.dccomedyfest.com/dccf/sponsorship.htm

VOLUNTEERS!

DCCF is always looking for volunteers to help out at the event. Kickbacks include free shows, parties with the performers, and only one night of required assistance. Contact for more details.

In Travis’ recent post about the hatchet, GW’s lack of community, and incoming freshman, he reposted his original column on advice for incoming freshman, garnering comments such as the following:

“Any incoming freshman that would take your satirical advice seriously should never have been admitted because they are probably at your low intelligence level and I have warned half a dozen to stay away from you at all cost.”

“freedom of speech didn’t exist in its current form the University would be allowed to investigate you for your truly offensive editorial.”

“While I am Jewish and don’t believe that Christ is the savior and all of that I am pretty sure you have committed a few sins through your words, but only G-D can judge you for that”

“Travis, this post is extremely masturbatory. I am tired of reading your rejected Hatchet letter. I’m also pretty sure you never worked for them.”

“Why didn’t you come to my housewarming party?”

While these comments really were only made by two different people, neither of whom still attend GW, they still prove the same thing: “woah guys, come on. Woah.” I really think we need to be concentrating on things other than Travis being “masturbatory,” okay?

And that’s why I wanted to share some very important news with you. Today, on my walk home I stopped in a deli, and had a great sandwich. It was a brand new variation on the Reuben that I’d never had before. It’s very exciting. It was a triple decker sandwich (which is NYC slang for double decker) on rye, with corned beef, pastrami, cabbage, and russian dressing. Again, “woah guys,” but this time with enthusiasm. What should I name it? Yeah, seriously. I don’t know what to call it. You tell me.

ANYWAY, here’s my original post about Ruebens and variations thereof:

The Reuben Sandwich: A World of Possibility

Hey guys, it’s Darren. There’s something I need to tell you about. Let’s just start with the fundamental agreed-upon objective truth that the Reuben sandwich is the single best deli sandwich in existence. It just makes things easier. If I actually had to prove this truth, I’d simply be wasting everyone’s time writing about something only related to the actual, riveting topic I would like to write about. Or, I could buy everyone reading this a Reuben sandwich. That would prove it, however I do not have the money. Let’s move on.

Many people are not aware of the breadth of the world of potential in which the Reuben sandwich resides. There is, of course, the Reuben sandwich — which on its own will satisfy anyone at any lunch: business, quick, late, or otherwise — but there are many other variations on the Reuben which are just as important, beautiful, and delicious. Let’s discuss them.
Here’s a chart, beginning with the classic Reuben:

The Reuben
The classic Reuben Sandwich is made on dark rye bread with corned beef (no, not pastrami, you’re wrong), sauerkraut, Swiss cheese, and Russian dressing. It is grilled, toasted, microwaved…it’s hot. If you don’t serve it with a pickle, you are not a deli and do not deserve to serve this sandwich at your fraudulent establishment.

Countries of origin:

• Switzerland (cheese)
• Russia (dressing)
• Germany (sauerkraut)
• America (deliciousness)

The Rachel
The Rachel is exactly like a Reuben excepting one substitution: coleslaw instead of sauerkraut. The results of this substitution are stunning. The Rachel is also this The Colonialist Editor’s Favorite Sandwich.

Thoughts you might have while eating a Rachel:

• “This is the best sandwich I’ve ever had.”
• “The woman I marry will be named Rachel.”
• “My entire existence finally makes sense.”
• “I have figured out the perfect exit strategy for Iraq.”

The Mr. Relief
The Mr. Relief is probably the least Reubenesque of the Reuben sandwich family. I firmly believe that the most essential part of a Reuben sandwich is the corned beef. Some may substitute pastrami for corned beef, however it is much more common that those who use pastrami instead of corned beef simply believe that a Reuben is made with pastrami. This is treason. Thus, I simply refuse to name, or even to identify any “Pastrami Reuben” or “Reuben” made with pastrami. Such ignorance shall not be rewarded. That being said, a Mr. Relief is a completely justifiable sandwich, as it replaces corned beef with turkey. Thus, the new sandwich receives a new name. If you are petrified of trying a Reuben, this may be a good warm-up, you huge, huge wuss.

Things you may or may not have done right before eating a Mr. Relief:

• Finally finished a Sudoku
• Called a close, but technically extended relative
• Walked by a Starbucks
• Read a vaguely tragic, but horribly written news article

The Broadway
I hesitate to legitimatize a sandwich made with pastrami (see above), however, what I really have a problem with is when establishments or persons replace the necessary corned beef with pastrami, yet remain ignorant to the fact that the sandwich is no longer a Reuben. A Broadway is a Reuben with both pastrami and turkey substituted for corned beef. It is good. It’s not great. Yes, I’m still giving you facts.

Famous people who eat The Broadway on a semi-regular basis:

• Jeff Goldblum
• Bubba Sparxxx
• Arnold Palmer (incidentally, he drinks an iced tea every even-numbered time he eats one and a lemonade every odd-numbered time, yet drinks an Arnold Palmer with any other, non-The Broadway sandwich)
• Frank Thomas
• Nancy Drew

Are there more? Probably. This is all for now, though. I hope that with this information you can enjoy the world of the Reuben Sandwich in any way at all. If you know of any other varieties, please comment here, although you must have proof of this sandwich being served in at least one legitimate establishment (please note pickle-serving requirements above), or — if you cannot offer this proof — you can make it for me and I will decide its fate. I am also eager to hear about any particularly good Reubens or other varieties of such in the DC area or any area at all.

I love you.

I didn’t mean that.
Maybe I did.
Let’s take this slow.

And here’s a link to every other article I’ve ever written for this blog: http://thecolonialist.com/author/darrenmiller/

And here’s a link to a website that I MYSELF created for a comedy group I’m in: http://www.beastcomedy.com

And here’s a link to a small picture of me that can very easily be used for a wallet or a locket: http://a.wordpress.com/avatar/darrenmiller-48.jpg

So come on guys, let’s get off Travis’ back. There are way more important things to be worrying about. Like sandwiches. And me.

It’s summer.  I have better things to do than think about GW.  However, after seeing the front page of the CI issue of the Hatchet I couldn’t help it.

The Hatchet poses an excellent question to incoming freshmen: WHAT STEREOTYPE WILL YOU BE?

Will you play sports?  Will you play guitar?  Will you drink beer out of a can, a keg, or solo cups? Will you be Vishal Aswani?  THESE THINGS ARE VERY IMPORTANT!

This mentality is what is exactly what The Colonialist has been trying to change about GW culture.  GW is divisive.  The democrats hate the republicans.  The republicans hate the SA.  The SA hates the Hatchet.  The Hatchet hates us.  We hate everyone.  This is stupid.  If we ever want to foster an actual GW community, this type of thinking needs to stop.  Despite what the Hatchet says, you are not the student organization you join.  If you are new to this blog, you can read more about our thoughts on this here.

Also note that we will update our content much more frequently once we are back in Foggy Bottom.

That being said, we want to hear from the class of 2012.  Ask us your questions about GW.  Write us some thoughts about what your CI experience was like.  Let’s have an honest discourse.  GW fucking sucks some times but it also can be a really great place.  Understand that and you will have a much better time here at GW.

I was planning on going through group by group and telling you my honest opinion of every student org, but I can do that in one sentence:  Bhangra is the only student org worth anything.

If you are reading this and you’re not a freshman, remember we need word of mouth support.  If you read this blog, tell some new students about us.  We had a large readership in our graduating class, and we need to make up for that.  Help us out and we’ll give you free drugs. (I hope we get a lot of hits off google for the term “Free Drugs.”)  Also, leave a comment giving the incoming class your own advice for how to survive here at GW.  Remember how terrified and excited you were before you became cynical.  Help a brother out.

What advice can I give you?  Not much.  I’d just say keep your head up.  Coming to school is terrifying and most of us have a terrible first semester.  You’ll cling to friends you don’t really like and have a hard time doing work.  It’ll pass.  The transition just takes some time.

I also wrote an advice column for last years incoming freshmen that the Hatchet said would never be published in their paper.  I originally posted it here, and it spawned a massive comment debate about the editorial integrity of the Hatchet and my secret grudge against their staff.  The truth is, I hated the paper before I ever worked for them.

Even though this was written for 2011, I feel like it is even more appropriate for 2012.  But here it is, for your eyes only Freshmen.  My advice to you:

-

Attention Freshmen, Travis Helwig is Very Attractive

Oh, hello class of 2011. I didn’t see you there. You look bright eyed, bushy tailed and eager to get down to some drinking. But before you throw away your Presidential aspirations on two girls, a guy, and a MiniDV tape, we need to set some ground rules. These are rules that you can’t find anywhere else but this column. Oh, well, besides that “College Prowler Guide to GW” they sell at the bookstore. It’s all in there. But class of 2011, please don’t be nervous. Your freshman year is all about fun, friends and fucking. Nothing bad can happen your freshman year.

That being said, you will probably die. Yes, it’s true. 78% of GW Freshmen die during their first semester. I mean, there are the obvious causes of death like alcohol poisoning, suicide, and too little mana. However, not many people know that most of the deaths are a result of gang violence. Yep, nice ol’ GW is home to the one of the deadliest gang wars in history. I’m not gonna name any names, but watch out for the College [blank]ocrats and the College [blank]publicans. And don’t wear red or blue.

Don’t forget to practice abstinence. Sex is just not cool at GW and if you have sex, you will obviously get an STD and have a baby. While the baby is a gift from God, the process is a tool of Satan. Remember that.

Keeping with the same vein, Sundays are for your Sunday best. It’s a GW ritual for all good Colonials to put on their bonnets and buckles and head over to St. Mark’s Roman Catholic Church for mass. That place is great! The sermon is always poignant, the Eucharist is always tasty and Jesus Christ is always praying for Colonial basketball dominance. Or at least for the men.

We always call our school G-Dub! Only losers, nerds and geeks say “GW,” and trust me, no one wants to be a loser, nerd or geek. First, you start saying GW and next you’re playing cricket in University Yard. It’s the gateway drug to loneliness.

I almost forgot! New President Stephan Knapp has required that all attractive freshmen girls have sexual intercourse with me. While I don’t know why he has made this a rule, I guess I’m just going to have to live with it. Based on their Facebook pictures, I will judge which freshmen have looks that will suffice for my needs. They will be notified via Poke. Although I have a girlfriend, it’s a long distance thing and we know how much of a joke those are. And if you don’t get poked, don’t worry! Just buy bigger sunglasses and tighter spandex. That always works.

Also, everything at 7-11 is free if you are drunk. Little known fact.

Keep in mind, that if you are a libertarian or own a Microsoft Zune, everyone already hates you. Don’t bother making friends. If you fall into both categories… I’m sorry.

All GW (G-Dub!) students rub the hippo’s nose before every exam. It gives you good luck so you don’t get caught cheating on your test. If you do get caught cheating, rub your professor.

Remember, Travis Helwig is very attractive. This isn’t debatable.

Never, ever, ever, drink before a ReceSs comedy show. It will be obvious when you are the only loud and belligerent member of the audience.

If you ever write a humor column for The Hatchet, remember to use as many drug, sex and obscene references as possible. And don’t forget to use curse words! (example: Meth, Vulva, Manslaughter, Twat).

I can’t stress enough that you need to watch out for the gang violence. Even when they try to do something good, it results in death. Last year, two members of the “Red-State” gang were crucified on a buff and blue cross for simply giving out cake on Valentine’s Day! They murder for anything.

Everyone should know by now that CI#4 is lame. If you don’t know why, you are probably lame.

If you want potential lays to be impressed, make sure you loudly threaten the country every time you walk by the White House. Who isn’t attracted to danger? Not to mention those 9 months in jail will definitely add to your edge.

Finally, you don’t want to miss the massive President’s Day L.A.R.P. battle. Everyone participates, so get your Styrofoam swords and duct tape ready.

I guess that about sums it up. As a GW freshman you have a responsibility to follow these rules as if they were written down in front of you. Well, I guess they are written down in front of you. Now this whole thing is kind of awkward.

Now I know you will probably disregard this entire article, but I just want you to remember one thing. You can have unprotected sex with as many people as you want, just remember to practice abstinence. Hail to the Buff, Blue and our savior Jesus Christ!

-

Welcome to GW.  Wear a condom.  Spread the word.

I know what you might be thinking: “Shut up.” Ok, that’s fine. But check this out: Article about bugs that shit fuel. Evidently, some bugs have been genetically altered to eat what’s essentially garbage (excess wheats, wood, etc.) and excrete crude oil. I’m not sure how to feel about this. From an idealistic perspective, one in which science doesn’t need to be used in such capacities, I think this is terrifying. Practically, I don’t know, but being home for a month and having to spend an exorbitant amount of money on gas gives me plenty of reason to be interested. Either way, it sounds like it could be the makings of an awesome video game that will eventually be a disappointing novelty film.

With summer in full swing, only one of our writers remains on the GW campus.  If you see Kirk, give him a high five!  However, Kevin and myself are living in East Williamsburg in Brooklyn and Darren is living the high life in Manhattan.  While we continue to write for The Colonialist, we will be sharing stories interesting to GW students, but not necessarily GW-centric stories.

Come September everything will be back to normal.  Until then, enjoy the round up.

• Muxtape allows you to upload and share your own mixtapes.  Enjoy mine. [Muxtape]
• Even if you worked hard building a pond, there’s no reason to wish for someone’s head to fall off. [ThatCanadianGirl]
• GWBlogspot forgets that people ready other GW blogs too and that you shouldn’t repost their stories. [GWBlogspot]
• GMail introduces 13 experimental new features including the game Snake. [LifeHacker]
• Bob Dylan says Barack Obama is “redefining politics from the ground up.” [TimesOnline]
• AT&T employees receiving iPhone 2 training tonight.  Should be available shortly after WWDC. [CrunchGear] UPDATE: Pictures of the brand new iPhone have leaked and feature living video chatting! [CrunchGear]
  
• It is going to be fucking hot for a few days.  Drink water, old people. [Weather.com]

I thought the mid/late nineties were over. I thought that because they are. It’s 2008. It’s been over a decade since the mid/late nineties! Wait! What??!! Yea. Believe it.So here’s a question for those of you college-aged kids out there (believe me, our reader base has been booming lately thanks to our newest ad in reader’s digest): Isn’t that crazy?? Here’s something: I was recently cleaning old clothes out of my room and came across a bunch of things I haven’t worn in ten years. I don’t know why I haven’t cleaned my closet out before, but that’s not the point. The point is that I have lived long enough to have clothes I haven’t worn in ten years. Enter: quarter life crisis.

Maybe it’s one of those pesky ol’ neuroses jumping at my psychological vulnerability, or maybe I just think too much (Sometimes I can be like a non-Jewish Woody Allen, which barely makes sense and accounts for the disparity in humor quality), but this bothers me.Consider this: 3 of 4 editors of the colonialist are of legal drinking age and all of us will be gone after next year! What will become of us? Of this website?? Some of our friends and peers have even graduated college and have already started their real lives back in their parents houses! That’s halfway to a mortgage, which is a quarter way to calling a hot line about your credit score and a sixth of the way to white collar crime! Yikes! The answer is: yes, that’s a little crazy.

So I find it very appropriate that coupled with this realization is a wave of recent entertainment being released that’s bringing us college folk back to the good old days…drinking in the woods…dreaming bout growing a beard…attending an all-male high school…Yes!

Not one, but two (2!) movies are being released this summer that are attempting to vomit the essence of the mid/late nineties onto the unsuspecting heads of ill informed teenagers. That’s right, look out Judd, Austin Powers (Mike Meyers) is back with a familiar accent and a new hat (The Love Guru), and he went shopping for that new hat with the chemically engineered spawn of Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison and the Herlihy Boy (Adam Sandler; You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. His character doesn’t actually look like these at all, but appears to be vaugely reminiscent of his entire SNL career). Unfortunately, both of these movies look awful. Here are the trailers for your enjoyment if you haven’t been disappointed by them already!

Love Guru

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPz5e9TvYIs&hl=en]

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmMXk0bA8gk&hl=en]

Something that isn’t that disappointing at all, however, is this:

Pork and Beans

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muP9eH2p2PI&hl=en]

Last time I asked someone who cared more than I do, Rivers Cuomo was living under an freeway overpass or something, right? (See: celibate for two years. And for chronology’s sake, as far as I’m concerned Make Believe was never released. And their album before that came out in 2001, which is practically the nineties. In fact I’d argue that 2001 was the end of the nineties, but that’s another too-long post. ) Well, not anymore. Weezer’s new ‘Red Album’ (or their third(?) pompously self titled album) was released yesterday and it makes me feel all gooey inside. It makes me long for the days when I used to pick my girlfriend up in my 83 Audi and drive the long way to the mall because her mom was afraid of me driving on the highway. So, yea, imagine that and then imagine this cd being the soundtrack. But more mature. And sporting an uncomfortable mustache.

So, if you’re like me, over the course of this post you will have gone from shocked to depressed to disappointed to sentimental (which is the previous three combined but with music). Happy Re-Nineties! Happy Re-Adolescence! Happy Summer!

It’s my birthday!

Congratulations, Graduates!

We know it’s a little late.  We were just late on the story and we’ve been wallowing for a while about the Hatchet breaking the news before we could.  We just didn’t expect it to happen as soon as it did!  Man!  You graduated!

Love,

The Colonialist

Here’s a quote from the most trusted name in news, Perez Hilton:

Word on the street is that MTV is said to be testing out the waters and developing a Hills-like “reality” show based in Washington, D.C.

Goodbye Hollywood - hello politics!

I can’t help but thinking rich GW students and G-scene will some how be involved.  Here are some plot ideas:

• Will Spaulding’s Dad beat Trish’s Dad in that drama-bomb of a special election?
• What’s Mike Huckabee doing with Amber?
• What’s Ron Paul doing with Amber?
• What’s Ron Paul doing with Mike Huckabee?
• “Look, you are wrong Trent!  I’m filibustering until you concede from this argument!”
• “We have so much money!”
• What’s Condi Rice doing with Amber?

Also my three guesses at the name of the show:

• The Beltway
• Cocaine!
• Harsh city-wide racial segregation