Dispatches from the District, by Kevin Mead: “Hello, Washington, it’s me, Kevin.”
I go the George Washington University, located in the capitol of America, Washington D.C., where all of our Nation’s decisions are made by people who drive or fly into this city and who are protected by fleets of men in black cars with machine guns. I also live here.
Scenario: It’s Halloween, which means the following; pirate sluts, police officer sluts, playboy bunnies, firefighter sluts, secretary sluts, tennis player sluts, regular pirates, Abraham Lincoln, doctor sluts, nurse sluts, cavemen, Marry Todd Lincoln sluts, “I have an axe,” “I’m dead,” “I’m awesome,” power rangers, Harry Potter sluts, fallopian swim teams. All of these people converge on a grey house that looks like it was constructed with dry wall and mucus. They stand in a flooded basement and present / receive their panted hard-on’s into one another’s back while they drink Natural Ice and listen to rap. Good thing there are no black people here, what would they think? Except for one guy’s roommate. He’s black, but he’s cool, so we’re cool.
Someone comes up from the basement, pushes through the smoking congregation and vomits near the street. The regurgitate splashes on the Nikes of a hired Security Officer who is a part time student at this school and is high.
I go to my house. I’m in my bed. Sleeping, or trying to. It’s 6 am. My roommate comes running in the door. He looks at me, and upon realizing I am awake, yells: “I need pirate hats.” He goes to his sock drawer, removes a handful of condoms, and puts on a Santa Claus cap and leaves without another word. My alarm is set for 9 o’clock so that I can get my work, which I haven’t done for 10 days, done before class. I sleep until 2:30. I skip 2 of 3 classes I have; I read the newspaper during the 3rd.
I evaluate my situation:
I am white and middle class.
I am twenty years old.
I go to one of the most expensive universities on the planet.
I study English.
I drink 40-ounce malt liquor beverages sometimes.
I have blacked out from drinking.
I have had sex in someone else’s bed.
In the last month, I’ve gotten no more than 4.5 hours of sleep in a night.
I go to school in Washington D.C., the capitol of America.
Motorcades carrying World Leaders pass my house on a regular basis.
These people have no idea I exist.
I live 3 blocks from the White House.
Hello, Washington, it’s me, Kevin. I live here too. Did you know that?
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Kevin, I know you are here. and I love you. and I also am not paying attention in class.