Post Hatchet Exposure Prattle #1

Thanks to Kirk for the title.

Travis: Oh hey, Hatchet! It’s been awhile!
Hatchet: Yeah.
T: You smell nice. Is that new?
H: No, no, I’ve had it a while.
T: Oh hey, I almost forgot! I read your article today.
H: Oh yeah?
T: Yeah, saw the picture too.
H: Did you like it?
T: Oh my gosh, yes. We were so happy that you mentioned The Colonialist, and like… you… I mean… if we could just… this is hard to say, Hatchy.
H: No, it’s okay. Go ahead.
T: I feel like you’ve changed. For the better. And I know we have to blog pictures of drunk girls in order to make it to the front page, but the single act of placing my face in front of the title of an entire section really pushed your publication into the 21st Century.
H: You mean that?
T: Yes, of course. And you mentioned the blog! You really did! And it doesn’t make much sense that you did, but you meant well, and I love you for it.
H: It means a lot to hear you say that.
T: It means a lot to hear you say that it means a lot to hear me say that.
H: There’s just… I need to ask you something.
T: Oh, yeah, anything. Of course. We’re friends now.
H: Okay, I don’t want to sound rude when I say this, so don’t take it that way.
T: No, no, definitely.
H: So, we mention the blog once and suddenly you love us again? What about your mission statement? What about the swastika incident? Aren’t you giving up on what you believe in?
T: Yes, absolutely. I am absolutely giving up on what I believe in.
H: But why?
T: Well you’re the deadbeat dad of The Colonialist.
H: I don’t follow.
T: Dad’s never around. When he is around, he’s an abusive asshole, and I hate his guts. But he makes one nice comment about me and I melt and I love him and I’m convinced he’s changed and we will live happily together with mom forever.
H: Oh, so you hate us, but you want to love us. You thrive on us.
T: Yeah. Just until you hit mom, again.

[Pause]

H: This was great.
T: It was.
H: But it’s getting late. I gotta get out of here.
T: So soon?
H: Yeah, sorry kiddo. Capp and Brand are about to make a press conference and I gotta take a shower beforehand. I don’t want to miss my chance with them.
T: Oh, but… can’t you stay a little lo…
H: It’s been great, Trav.
T: Okay. I understand… yeah.

[Hatchet begins to leave]

T: Oh hey, Hatchet?!

[Hatchet turns around in the door frame]

H: Yeah, sport?
T: When am I gonna see you again?

[Pause]

H: Real soon. It’s gonna be different this time, I promise.
T: You said that last time.
H: I know. I know.

[Hatchet leaves, as Travis begins to softly weep.]

[Fade in Frou Frou's "Let Go" with crane shot]

[Fade to black]

[Credits]

Authors Note: While my title in the article was “Co-Founder of The Colonialist.com,” the three other co-founders all made it into the second round of the competition as well. The four editors of the blog (myself, Kevin Mead, Darren Miller, and Kirk Larsen), along with contributer Emily Murphy make up 5/8 of the comedy team.

Also, my Alamo joke is much less lame than the print version makes it seem.

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