More Importantly…
In Travis’ recent post about the hatchet, GW’s lack of community, and incoming freshman, he reposted his original column on advice for incoming freshman, garnering comments such as the following:
“Any incoming freshman that would take your satirical advice seriously should never have been admitted because they are probably at your low intelligence level and I have warned half a dozen to stay away from you at all cost.”
“freedom of speech didn’t exist in its current form the University would be allowed to investigate you for your truly offensive editorial.”
“While I am Jewish and don’t believe that Christ is the savior and all of that I am pretty sure you have committed a few sins through your words, but only G-D can judge you for that”
“Travis, this post is extremely masturbatory. I am tired of reading your rejected Hatchet letter. I’m also pretty sure you never worked for them.”
“Why didn’t you come to my housewarming party?”
While these comments really were only made by two different people, neither of whom still attend GW, they still prove the same thing: “woah guys, come on. Woah.” I really think we need to be concentrating on things other than Travis being “masturbatory,” okay?
And that’s why I wanted to share some very important news with you. Today, on my walk home I stopped in a deli, and had a great sandwich. It was a brand new variation on the Reuben that I’d never had before. It’s very exciting. It was a triple decker sandwich (which is NYC slang for double decker) on rye, with corned beef, pastrami, cabbage, and russian dressing. Again, “woah guys,” but this time with enthusiasm. What should I name it? Yeah, seriously. I don’t know what to call it. You tell me.
ANYWAY, here’s my original post about Ruebens and variations thereof:
The Reuben Sandwich: A World of Possibility
Hey guys, it’s Darren. There’s something I need to tell you about. Let’s just start with the fundamental agreed-upon objective truth that the Reuben sandwich is the single best deli sandwich in existence. It just makes things easier. If I actually had to prove this truth, I’d simply be wasting everyone’s time writing about something only related to the actual, riveting topic I would like to write about. Or, I could buy everyone reading this a Reuben sandwich. That would prove it, however I do not have the money. Let’s move on.
Many people are not aware of the breadth of the world of potential in which the Reuben sandwich resides. There is, of course, the Reuben sandwich — which on its own will satisfy anyone at any lunch: business, quick, late, or otherwise — but there are many other variations on the Reuben which are just as important, beautiful, and delicious. Let’s discuss them.
Here’s a chart, beginning with the classic Reuben:The Reuben
The classic Reuben Sandwich is made on dark rye bread with corned beef (no, not pastrami, you’re wrong), sauerkraut, Swiss cheese, and Russian dressing. It is grilled, toasted, microwaved…it’s hot. If you don’t serve it with a pickle, you are not a deli and do not deserve to serve this sandwich at your fraudulent establishment.Countries of origin:
- Switzerland (cheese)
- Russia (dressing)
- Germany (sauerkraut)
- America (deliciousness)
The Rachel
The Rachel is exactly like a Reuben excepting one substitution: coleslaw instead of sauerkraut. The results of this substitution are stunning. The Rachel is also this The Colonialist Editor’s Favorite Sandwich.Thoughts you might have while eating a Rachel:
- “This is the best sandwich I’ve ever had.”
- “The woman I marry will be named Rachel.”
- “My entire existence finally makes sense.”
- “I have figured out the perfect exit strategy for Iraq.”
The Mr. Relief
The Mr. Relief is probably the least Reubenesque of the Reuben sandwich family. I firmly believe that the most essential part of a Reuben sandwich is the corned beef. Some may substitute pastrami for corned beef, however it is much more common that those who use pastrami instead of corned beef simply believe that a Reuben is made with pastrami. This is treason. Thus, I simply refuse to name, or even to identify any “Pastrami Reuben” or “Reuben” made with pastrami. Such ignorance shall not be rewarded. That being said, a Mr. Relief is a completely justifiable sandwich, as it replaces corned beef with turkey. Thus, the new sandwich receives a new name. If you are petrified of trying a Reuben, this may be a good warm-up, you huge, huge wuss.Things you may or may not have done right before eating a Mr. Relief:
- Finally finished a Sudoku
- Called a close, but technically extended relative
- Walked by a Starbucks
- Read a vaguely tragic, but horribly written news article
The Broadway
I hesitate to legitimatize a sandwich made with pastrami (see above), however, what I really have a problem with is when establishments or persons replace the necessary corned beef with pastrami, yet remain ignorant to the fact that the sandwich is no longer a Reuben. A Broadway is a Reuben with both pastrami and turkey substituted for corned beef. It is good. It’s not great. Yes, I’m still giving you facts.Famous people who eat The Broadway on a semi-regular basis:
- Jeff Goldblum
- Bubba Sparxxx
- Arnold Palmer (incidentally, he drinks an iced tea every even-numbered time he eats one and a lemonade every odd-numbered time, yet drinks an Arnold Palmer with any other, non-The Broadway sandwich)
- Frank Thomas
- Nancy Drew
Are there more? Probably. This is all for now, though. I hope that with this information you can enjoy the world of the Reuben Sandwich in any way at all. If you know of any other varieties, please comment here, although you must have proof of this sandwich being served in at least one legitimate establishment (please note pickle-serving requirements above), or — if you cannot offer this proof — you can make it for me and I will decide its fate. I am also eager to hear about any particularly good Reubens or other varieties of such in the DC area or any area at all.
I love you.
I didn’t mean that.
Maybe I did.
Let’s take this slow.
And here’s a link to every other article I’ve ever written for this blog: http://thecolonialist.com/author/darrenmiller/
And here’s a link to a website that I MYSELF created for a comedy group I’m in: http://www.beastcomedy.com
And here’s a link to a small picture of me that can very easily be used for a wallet or a locket: http://a.wordpress.com/avatar/darrenmiller-48.jpg
So come on guys, let’s get off Travis’ back. There are way more important things to be worrying about. Like sandwiches. And me.
If you enjoyed this post, please consider to leave a comment or subscribe to the feed and get future articles delivered to your feed reader.
Comments
If travis’ post was masturbatory, and this post is masturbatory, then if you guys had written each others posts, would that have meant you were… gay?
I can get behind the posts about sandwiches. Darren tell Travis how fun my housewarming party was. TELL HIM.
Also, I printed out 4 copies of that picture and hung one in my cubicle, one on my mirror, screenprinted one onto a tshirt, and sewed the other one into the waistband of my underpants.
Also, no one has made any suggestions for the name of the new sandwich yet. I mean, I’d name it myself, but that would be, I don’t know, masturbatory.
Anyone who would even read, let alone re-read, your post about Reubens shouldn’t be allowed to eat at this University. Or read at it. If reading weren’t so fundamental to attending college, GWU would ban it and prevent anybody from understanding the masturbatory Reuben fodder you call a post. While I don’t believe that Christ is my savior, I do believe that everyone should be a Safeway saver. Seriously kids, get a Safeway card. It saves you money.