When The Colonialist was started last fall, the complete lack of credible counterparts was surprising.  GW is a pretty vocal university, yet most people seemed content to only learn about GW from the Hatchet.  The Daily Colonial was there but hardly read.  It felt like students didn’t want any people-powered sources for information.

Things seem to have changed.

As we approach The Colonialist’s first birthday, the amount of new GW blogs has skyrocketed.  The GW Patriot has surprisingly gained a readership from all ends of the political spectrum.  GWBlogspot has condescendingly conquered the incoming freshman class.  Georgetown has even caught the bug.

And with in our niche-blog network, a micro-niche-blog battle has broken out.  Logan Dobson was elected to the SA in the Spring and started a blog with this mission statement:

Inside The SA: The blog of self-admitted tool and Senator Logan Dobson, CCAS-U, as I try to navigate my fellow tools, wastefulness, and all-around bullshittery of the George Washington University’s Student Association.

While most of the content over the summer has been in preparation for his future reign as the Ron Paul of the SA, he has garnered attention from a lot of people.  Loads of complaints have been raised about his open source governing which led to a closed door meeting with current EVP Kyle Boyer about the blog.  While most blogs have found themselves in a relative lull over our summer vacation, his comment section has been both active and terrible.

(Photo of Sen. Dobson, creator of Inside the SA)

It seems like any post Dobson makes leads to a comment from GW and SA alumni Elliot Bell-Krasner, which then leads to someone awkwardly insulting EBK, which then leads to 35 more comments about EBK’s personality and status as GW mover/shaker.  The resulting comment cluster-fucks led former Senator Bell-Krasner to start his own pro-SA blog called “Where No Senator Emeritus Has Gone Before.“  While the comments on EBK’s blog are mostly nonexistent, it seems to act as a place of constant rebuttal to anything Dobson or the GW Patriot have to say.  One blog was created with the hope of changing the system, and another was created to try to defend it.

(Photo of Bell-Krasner,  creator of WNSEHGB)

The question remains: What real impact will either of these sites have?  There could be positive results.  It could allow the student body to better understand the Student Association and foster a campus-wide debate about how the SA should improve.  Or it could have the complete opposite effect.  It could lead to petty SA infighting on a public forum.  It could lead to bitter divisiveness and personal grudges over publicly displayed content deemed embarrassing to Senators.  They are walking a fine line.

I would urge both sides to actually examine why they wanted to start a blog in the first place.  If it was to present your very important opinion, maybe you should think again.  If it was to try to help the GW community fix the seemingly broken and out-of-touch SA, then I’m interested to see where it goes.  (If you don’t think the SA is conceived by most people as broken and out of touch, I’d advise you to talk to people outside of the SA).

The question I pose is this: Will these blogs change anything?  How?  Could they make the SA an actually respected and open organization?  Will they fuck it up for the rest of the blogs by turning us all into a big troll-fest/flame-war?

What do the common-folk of GW think?

And please, please, please try everything in your power to not turn this into an comment battle over EBK.  There have been enough of those.

In Travis’ recent post about the hatchet, GW’s lack of community, and incoming freshman, he reposted his original column on advice for incoming freshman, garnering comments such as the following:

“Any incoming freshman that would take your satirical advice seriously should never have been admitted because they are probably at your low intelligence level and I have warned half a dozen to stay away from you at all cost.”

“freedom of speech didn’t exist in its current form the University would be allowed to investigate you for your truly offensive editorial.”

“While I am Jewish and don’t believe that Christ is the savior and all of that I am pretty sure you have committed a few sins through your words, but only G-D can judge you for that”

“Travis, this post is extremely masturbatory. I am tired of reading your rejected Hatchet letter. I’m also pretty sure you never worked for them.”

“Why didn’t you come to my housewarming party?”

While these comments really were only made by two different people, neither of whom still attend GW, they still prove the same thing: “woah guys, come on. Woah.” I really think we need to be concentrating on things other than Travis being “masturbatory,” okay?

And that’s why I wanted to share some very important news with you. Today, on my walk home I stopped in a deli, and had a great sandwich. It was a brand new variation on the Reuben that I’d never had before. It’s very exciting. It was a triple decker sandwich (which is NYC slang for double decker) on rye, with corned beef, pastrami, cabbage, and russian dressing. Again, “woah guys,” but this time with enthusiasm. What should I name it? Yeah, seriously. I don’t know what to call it. You tell me.

ANYWAY, here’s my original post about Ruebens and variations thereof:

The Reuben Sandwich: A World of Possibility

Hey guys, it’s Darren. There’s something I need to tell you about. Let’s just start with the fundamental agreed-upon objective truth that the Reuben sandwich is the single best deli sandwich in existence. It just makes things easier. If I actually had to prove this truth, I’d simply be wasting everyone’s time writing about something only related to the actual, riveting topic I would like to write about. Or, I could buy everyone reading this a Reuben sandwich. That would prove it, however I do not have the money. Let’s move on.

Many people are not aware of the breadth of the world of potential in which the Reuben sandwich resides. There is, of course, the Reuben sandwich — which on its own will satisfy anyone at any lunch: business, quick, late, or otherwise — but there are many other variations on the Reuben which are just as important, beautiful, and delicious. Let’s discuss them.
Here’s a chart, beginning with the classic Reuben:

The Reuben
The classic Reuben Sandwich is made on dark rye bread with corned beef (no, not pastrami, you’re wrong), sauerkraut, Swiss cheese, and Russian dressing. It is grilled, toasted, microwaved…it’s hot. If you don’t serve it with a pickle, you are not a deli and do not deserve to serve this sandwich at your fraudulent establishment.

Countries of origin:

• Switzerland (cheese)
• Russia (dressing)
• Germany (sauerkraut)
• America (deliciousness)

The Rachel
The Rachel is exactly like a Reuben excepting one substitution: coleslaw instead of sauerkraut. The results of this substitution are stunning. The Rachel is also this The Colonialist Editor’s Favorite Sandwich.

Thoughts you might have while eating a Rachel:

• “This is the best sandwich I’ve ever had.”
• “The woman I marry will be named Rachel.”
• “My entire existence finally makes sense.”
• “I have figured out the perfect exit strategy for Iraq.”

The Mr. Relief
The Mr. Relief is probably the least Reubenesque of the Reuben sandwich family. I firmly believe that the most essential part of a Reuben sandwich is the corned beef. Some may substitute pastrami for corned beef, however it is much more common that those who use pastrami instead of corned beef simply believe that a Reuben is made with pastrami. This is treason. Thus, I simply refuse to name, or even to identify any “Pastrami Reuben” or “Reuben” made with pastrami. Such ignorance shall not be rewarded. That being said, a Mr. Relief is a completely justifiable sandwich, as it replaces corned beef with turkey. Thus, the new sandwich receives a new name. If you are petrified of trying a Reuben, this may be a good warm-up, you huge, huge wuss.

Things you may or may not have done right before eating a Mr. Relief:

• Finally finished a Sudoku
• Called a close, but technically extended relative
• Walked by a Starbucks
• Read a vaguely tragic, but horribly written news article

The Broadway
I hesitate to legitimatize a sandwich made with pastrami (see above), however, what I really have a problem with is when establishments or persons replace the necessary corned beef with pastrami, yet remain ignorant to the fact that the sandwich is no longer a Reuben. A Broadway is a Reuben with both pastrami and turkey substituted for corned beef. It is good. It’s not great. Yes, I’m still giving you facts.

Famous people who eat The Broadway on a semi-regular basis:

• Jeff Goldblum
• Bubba Sparxxx
• Arnold Palmer (incidentally, he drinks an iced tea every even-numbered time he eats one and a lemonade every odd-numbered time, yet drinks an Arnold Palmer with any other, non-The Broadway sandwich)
• Frank Thomas
• Nancy Drew

Are there more? Probably. This is all for now, though. I hope that with this information you can enjoy the world of the Reuben Sandwich in any way at all. If you know of any other varieties, please comment here, although you must have proof of this sandwich being served in at least one legitimate establishment (please note pickle-serving requirements above), or — if you cannot offer this proof — you can make it for me and I will decide its fate. I am also eager to hear about any particularly good Reubens or other varieties of such in the DC area or any area at all.

I love you.

I didn’t mean that.
Maybe I did.
Let’s take this slow.

And here’s a link to every other article I’ve ever written for this blog: http://thecolonialist.com/author/darrenmiller/

And here’s a link to a website that I MYSELF created for a comedy group I’m in: http://www.beastcomedy.com

And here’s a link to a small picture of me that can very easily be used for a wallet or a locket: http://a.wordpress.com/avatar/darrenmiller-48.jpg

So come on guys, let’s get off Travis’ back. There are way more important things to be worrying about. Like sandwiches. And me.

I thought the mid/late nineties were over. I thought that because they are. It’s 2008. It’s been over a decade since the mid/late nineties! Wait! What??!! Yea. Believe it.So here’s a question for those of you college-aged kids out there (believe me, our reader base has been booming lately thanks to our newest ad in reader’s digest): Isn’t that crazy?? Here’s something: I was recently cleaning old clothes out of my room and came across a bunch of things I haven’t worn in ten years. I don’t know why I haven’t cleaned my closet out before, but that’s not the point. The point is that I have lived long enough to have clothes I haven’t worn in ten years. Enter: quarter life crisis.

Maybe it’s one of those pesky ol’ neuroses jumping at my psychological vulnerability, or maybe I just think too much (Sometimes I can be like a non-Jewish Woody Allen, which barely makes sense and accounts for the disparity in humor quality), but this bothers me.Consider this: 3 of 4 editors of the colonialist are of legal drinking age and all of us will be gone after next year! What will become of us? Of this website?? Some of our friends and peers have even graduated college and have already started their real lives back in their parents houses! That’s halfway to a mortgage, which is a quarter way to calling a hot line about your credit score and a sixth of the way to white collar crime! Yikes! The answer is: yes, that’s a little crazy.

So I find it very appropriate that coupled with this realization is a wave of recent entertainment being released that’s bringing us college folk back to the good old days…drinking in the woods…dreaming bout growing a beard…attending an all-male high school…Yes!

Not one, but two (2!) movies are being released this summer that are attempting to vomit the essence of the mid/late nineties onto the unsuspecting heads of ill informed teenagers. That’s right, look out Judd, Austin Powers (Mike Meyers) is back with a familiar accent and a new hat (The Love Guru), and he went shopping for that new hat with the chemically engineered spawn of Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison and the Herlihy Boy (Adam Sandler; You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. His character doesn’t actually look like these at all, but appears to be vaugely reminiscent of his entire SNL career). Unfortunately, both of these movies look awful. Here are the trailers for your enjoyment if you haven’t been disappointed by them already!

Love Guru

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPz5e9TvYIs&hl=en]

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmMXk0bA8gk&hl=en]

Something that isn’t that disappointing at all, however, is this:

Pork and Beans

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muP9eH2p2PI&hl=en]

Last time I asked someone who cared more than I do, Rivers Cuomo was living under an freeway overpass or something, right? (See: celibate for two years. And for chronology’s sake, as far as I’m concerned Make Believe was never released. And their album before that came out in 2001, which is practically the nineties. In fact I’d argue that 2001 was the end of the nineties, but that’s another too-long post. ) Well, not anymore. Weezer’s new ‘Red Album’ (or their third(?) pompously self titled album) was released yesterday and it makes me feel all gooey inside. It makes me long for the days when I used to pick my girlfriend up in my 83 Audi and drive the long way to the mall because her mom was afraid of me driving on the highway. So, yea, imagine that and then imagine this cd being the soundtrack. But more mature. And sporting an uncomfortable mustache.

So, if you’re like me, over the course of this post you will have gone from shocked to depressed to disappointed to sentimental (which is the previous three combined but with music). Happy Re-Nineties! Happy Re-Adolescence! Happy Summer!

Earlier today a Hack Shit columnist sent us this email:

Hi [Name of Hatchet Columnist],

I’m sorry to have to write you that we will not be publishing your column. We had a meeting with the editor in chief and the executive decision was made that your column, due to its criticism of another campus publication (the Daily Colonial) was not appropriate to run from one of our columnists. While we appreciate the constructive criticism of The Hatchet, we don’t feel it’s appropriate for columnists to criticize other campus publications on our page. Please feel free to call me if you want to talk about the decision, and also feel free to re-submit a version of the column as a letter to the editor for the May 12 issue.

Thanks,

[Name of Hatchet Editor]

–

Alright, so, um…yeah, here is the original article (with my edits in red):

The amount of red  might lead one to believe I disagree with the columnist (or was trying to belittle, or whatever), I WASN’T!

(Subtext: Sheeet, the Hatchet edits a lot.)

Another Colonialist editor and I were having a discussion last night, part of which included talk of the nature of contemporary fiction, specifically in movies. I suggested that a currently growing trend seems to be a slight break from the uber-realism and the recapitulated fantasy (political movies and comic book remakes), two of the most popular tropes in movies today, and a move toward some more original fiction. I don’t know if this is true, seeing that a genuinely original story tends to pop up here and there in movies, but in the last week I came across a couple that seem to support my claim. Whether or not this is true I guess is up for debate (or if it turns out to be true, we can just wait and see), but stumbling on these made me all happy and warm inside. Maybe people are getting a little tired of super hero movies and biopics and political fiction…or maybe not. Either way, these movies are coming out and I’m excited. So, allow me to point yall in the direction of their respective trailers, if you haven’t seen them already.

The Fall, directed by Tarsem Singh (the unforgettable The Cell, featuring the ever-talented Jennifer Lopez)

Synopsis: (IMDb) In a hospital, a little girl with a broken collar bone meets a bedridden man who starts telling her a fantastical story which reflects his state of mind. As time goes by fiction and reality start to intertwine in this uplifting epic fantasy

Trailer:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQt0QjWHUjY&hl=en]

Mister Lonely, written and directed by Harmony Korine (writer of family hit Kids, writer/director of Gummo), featuring cameo by Werner Herzog.

Synopsis: (IMDb) In Paris, a young American who works as a Michael Jackson lookalike meets Marilyn Monroe, who invites him to her commune in Scotland, where she lives with Charlie Chaplin and her daughter, Shirley Temple.

Trailer:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zY6DmvTJBs&hl=en]

Regarding Hot Gossip from the BLOGOSPHERE!!!!

I disagree with Travis (the patriot) & The WHP-Patriot (the patriot): The story isn’t newsworthy.

Unless Casey were — right now — involved in the SA at the (vice) presidential level / hit someone in the SA (or otherwise affiliated with the University) / destroyed a retaining wall of a dormitory / ate fifteen hamburgers / learned how to make really awesome balloon animals, etc., I can’t see any reason to write a story about whatever fuckall bullshit he finds himself in.

Those two other SA Presidents that had rumors circulating about them…were SA Presidents. It’s bad enough The Hatchet stooped to that, why are we asking they strike lower?

Really though, it’s just not a very interesting news story.

Imagine the following headlines:

• “Someone Who Used to Make Decisions for Many People Possibly Makes Bad Decision for Self”
• “Student Gets Drunk, Cries”
• “Pond Gets Wet”
• “Casey’s Case”
• “Friend Attempts to Hide Other Friend From Being Photographed While Weeping”
• “Aqua Vitae Angers Pond’s Waters”
• “Pond Possibly Punched Pal”
• etc.

What I mean to say here is: I disagree.

What I also mean to say is:

Look at those fucking potential headlines I just wrote there!  Do you think that sort of story is an improvement?  Why?  That’s not a very good reason! No, it’s not a good one at all! Oh yeah? No! Never! You’re begging the question!

Let’s talk when everyone (especially that hypothetical reader I just sparred with) calms down.

Until then: Gossip mongering is NOT the reason I write for The Colonialist

There is nothing newsworthy or even interesting to me here.

I have been fascinated by this cluster-fuck of a website  ever since I first heard of it.  However, I refuse to post a  link to it for fear that more people will accidentally set  their gaze upon that car wreck.  The following formula is  my understanding of the website:

(Thurston + Redbull + Vodka + Daddy Issues + Japone + Digital Photography + Shoddy CSS Design)^ ROFLCaptions = GScene

Am I missing anything?

Who reads this thing?  Who scrolls through the pictures of drunk freshmen and is entertained?  Who is thankful for the fact that they get paid to advertise for stupid shit? GScene’s existance baffles me.

Courageous readers of The Colonialist, I need the following questions answered:

• Why is GScene?
• Who reads GScene?
• Why?
• Is it a social experiment?
• Why do they always wish Happy Birthday to people I don’t know?
• How many Zimas do the writers drink every Thursday?

If you can provide answers to one or all of these, you are a white light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel called GW.