It’s summer.  I have better things to do than think about GW.  However, after seeing the front page of the CI issue of the Hatchet I couldn’t help it.

The Hatchet poses an excellent question to incoming freshmen: WHAT STEREOTYPE WILL YOU BE?

Will you play sports?  Will you play guitar?  Will you drink beer out of a can, a keg, or solo cups? Will you be Vishal Aswani?  THESE THINGS ARE VERY IMPORTANT!

This mentality is what is exactly what The Colonialist has been trying to change about GW culture.  GW is divisive.  The democrats hate the republicans.  The republicans hate the SA.  The SA hates the Hatchet.  The Hatchet hates us.  We hate everyone.  This is stupid.  If we ever want to foster an actual GW community, this type of thinking needs to stop.  Despite what the Hatchet says, you are not the student organization you join.  If you are new to this blog, you can read more about our thoughts on this here.

Also note that we will update our content much more frequently once we are back in Foggy Bottom.

That being said, we want to hear from the class of 2012.  Ask us your questions about GW.  Write us some thoughts about what your CI experience was like.  Let’s have an honest discourse.  GW fucking sucks some times but it also can be a really great place.  Understand that and you will have a much better time here at GW.

I was planning on going through group by group and telling you my honest opinion of every student org, but I can do that in one sentence:  Bhangra is the only student org worth anything.

If you are reading this and you’re not a freshman, remember we need word of mouth support.  If you read this blog, tell some new students about us.  We had a large readership in our graduating class, and we need to make up for that.  Help us out and we’ll give you free drugs. (I hope we get a lot of hits off google for the term “Free Drugs.”)  Also, leave a comment giving the incoming class your own advice for how to survive here at GW.  Remember how terrified and excited you were before you became cynical.  Help a brother out.

What advice can I give you?  Not much.  I’d just say keep your head up.  Coming to school is terrifying and most of us have a terrible first semester.  You’ll cling to friends you don’t really like and have a hard time doing work.  It’ll pass.  The transition just takes some time.

I also wrote an advice column for last years incoming freshmen that the Hatchet said would never be published in their paper.  I originally posted it here, and it spawned a massive comment debate about the editorial integrity of the Hatchet and my secret grudge against their staff.  The truth is, I hated the paper before I ever worked for them.

Even though this was written for 2011, I feel like it is even more appropriate for 2012.  But here it is, for your eyes only Freshmen.  My advice to you:

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Attention Freshmen, Travis Helwig is Very Attractive

Oh, hello class of 2011. I didn’t see you there. You look bright eyed, bushy tailed and eager to get down to some drinking. But before you throw away your Presidential aspirations on two girls, a guy, and a MiniDV tape, we need to set some ground rules. These are rules that you can’t find anywhere else but this column. Oh, well, besides that “College Prowler Guide to GW” they sell at the bookstore. It’s all in there. But class of 2011, please don’t be nervous. Your freshman year is all about fun, friends and fucking. Nothing bad can happen your freshman year.

That being said, you will probably die. Yes, it’s true. 78% of GW Freshmen die during their first semester. I mean, there are the obvious causes of death like alcohol poisoning, suicide, and too little mana. However, not many people know that most of the deaths are a result of gang violence. Yep, nice ol’ GW is home to the one of the deadliest gang wars in history. I’m not gonna name any names, but watch out for the College [blank]ocrats and the College [blank]publicans. And don’t wear red or blue.

Don’t forget to practice abstinence. Sex is just not cool at GW and if you have sex, you will obviously get an STD and have a baby. While the baby is a gift from God, the process is a tool of Satan. Remember that.

Keeping with the same vein, Sundays are for your Sunday best. It’s a GW ritual for all good Colonials to put on their bonnets and buckles and head over to St. Mark’s Roman Catholic Church for mass. That place is great! The sermon is always poignant, the Eucharist is always tasty and Jesus Christ is always praying for Colonial basketball dominance. Or at least for the men.

We always call our school G-Dub! Only losers, nerds and geeks say “GW,” and trust me, no one wants to be a loser, nerd or geek. First, you start saying GW and next you’re playing cricket in University Yard. It’s the gateway drug to loneliness.

I almost forgot! New President Stephan Knapp has required that all attractive freshmen girls have sexual intercourse with me. While I don’t know why he has made this a rule, I guess I’m just going to have to live with it. Based on their Facebook pictures, I will judge which freshmen have looks that will suffice for my needs. They will be notified via Poke. Although I have a girlfriend, it’s a long distance thing and we know how much of a joke those are. And if you don’t get poked, don’t worry! Just buy bigger sunglasses and tighter spandex. That always works.

Also, everything at 7-11 is free if you are drunk. Little known fact.

Keep in mind, that if you are a libertarian or own a Microsoft Zune, everyone already hates you. Don’t bother making friends. If you fall into both categories… I’m sorry.

All GW (G-Dub!) students rub the hippo’s nose before every exam. It gives you good luck so you don’t get caught cheating on your test. If you do get caught cheating, rub your professor.

Remember, Travis Helwig is very attractive. This isn’t debatable.

Never, ever, ever, drink before a ReceSs comedy show. It will be obvious when you are the only loud and belligerent member of the audience.

If you ever write a humor column for The Hatchet, remember to use as many drug, sex and obscene references as possible. And don’t forget to use curse words! (example: Meth, Vulva, Manslaughter, Twat).

I can’t stress enough that you need to watch out for the gang violence. Even when they try to do something good, it results in death. Last year, two members of the “Red-State” gang were crucified on a buff and blue cross for simply giving out cake on Valentine’s Day! They murder for anything.

Everyone should know by now that CI#4 is lame. If you don’t know why, you are probably lame.

If you want potential lays to be impressed, make sure you loudly threaten the country every time you walk by the White House. Who isn’t attracted to danger? Not to mention those 9 months in jail will definitely add to your edge.

Finally, you don’t want to miss the massive President’s Day L.A.R.P. battle. Everyone participates, so get your Styrofoam swords and duct tape ready.

I guess that about sums it up. As a GW freshman you have a responsibility to follow these rules as if they were written down in front of you. Well, I guess they are written down in front of you. Now this whole thing is kind of awkward.

Now I know you will probably disregard this entire article, but I just want you to remember one thing. You can have unprotected sex with as many people as you want, just remember to practice abstinence. Hail to the Buff, Blue and our savior Jesus Christ!

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Welcome to GW.  Wear a condom.  Spread the word.

I know what you might be thinking: “Shut up.” Ok, that’s fine. But check this out: Article about bugs that shit fuel. Evidently, some bugs have been genetically altered to eat what’s essentially garbage (excess wheats, wood, etc.) and excrete crude oil. I’m not sure how to feel about this. From an idealistic perspective, one in which science doesn’t need to be used in such capacities, I think this is terrifying. Practically, I don’t know, but being home for a month and having to spend an exorbitant amount of money on gas gives me plenty of reason to be interested. Either way, it sounds like it could be the makings of an awesome video game that will eventually be a disappointing novelty film.

With summer in full swing, only one of our writers remains on the GW campus.  If you see Kirk, give him a high five!  However, Kevin and myself are living in East Williamsburg in Brooklyn and Darren is living the high life in Manhattan.  While we continue to write for The Colonialist, we will be sharing stories interesting to GW students, but not necessarily GW-centric stories.

Come September everything will be back to normal.  Until then, enjoy the round up.

• Muxtape allows you to upload and share your own mixtapes.  Enjoy mine. [Muxtape]
• Even if you worked hard building a pond, there’s no reason to wish for someone’s head to fall off. [ThatCanadianGirl]
• GWBlogspot forgets that people ready other GW blogs too and that you shouldn’t repost their stories. [GWBlogspot]
• GMail introduces 13 experimental new features including the game Snake. [LifeHacker]
• Bob Dylan says Barack Obama is “redefining politics from the ground up.” [TimesOnline]
• AT&T employees receiving iPhone 2 training tonight.  Should be available shortly after WWDC. [CrunchGear] UPDATE: Pictures of the brand new iPhone have leaked and feature living video chatting! [CrunchGear]
  
• It is going to be fucking hot for a few days.  Drink water, old people. [Weather.com]

I thought the mid/late nineties were over. I thought that because they are. It’s 2008. It’s been over a decade since the mid/late nineties! Wait! What??!! Yea. Believe it.So here’s a question for those of you college-aged kids out there (believe me, our reader base has been booming lately thanks to our newest ad in reader’s digest): Isn’t that crazy?? Here’s something: I was recently cleaning old clothes out of my room and came across a bunch of things I haven’t worn in ten years. I don’t know why I haven’t cleaned my closet out before, but that’s not the point. The point is that I have lived long enough to have clothes I haven’t worn in ten years. Enter: quarter life crisis.

Maybe it’s one of those pesky ol’ neuroses jumping at my psychological vulnerability, or maybe I just think too much (Sometimes I can be like a non-Jewish Woody Allen, which barely makes sense and accounts for the disparity in humor quality), but this bothers me.Consider this: 3 of 4 editors of the colonialist are of legal drinking age and all of us will be gone after next year! What will become of us? Of this website?? Some of our friends and peers have even graduated college and have already started their real lives back in their parents houses! That’s halfway to a mortgage, which is a quarter way to calling a hot line about your credit score and a sixth of the way to white collar crime! Yikes! The answer is: yes, that’s a little crazy.

So I find it very appropriate that coupled with this realization is a wave of recent entertainment being released that’s bringing us college folk back to the good old days…drinking in the woods…dreaming bout growing a beard…attending an all-male high school…Yes!

Not one, but two (2!) movies are being released this summer that are attempting to vomit the essence of the mid/late nineties onto the unsuspecting heads of ill informed teenagers. That’s right, look out Judd, Austin Powers (Mike Meyers) is back with a familiar accent and a new hat (The Love Guru), and he went shopping for that new hat with the chemically engineered spawn of Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison and the Herlihy Boy (Adam Sandler; You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. His character doesn’t actually look like these at all, but appears to be vaugely reminiscent of his entire SNL career). Unfortunately, both of these movies look awful. Here are the trailers for your enjoyment if you haven’t been disappointed by them already!

Love Guru

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPz5e9TvYIs&hl=en]

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmMXk0bA8gk&hl=en]

Something that isn’t that disappointing at all, however, is this:

Pork and Beans

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muP9eH2p2PI&hl=en]

Last time I asked someone who cared more than I do, Rivers Cuomo was living under an freeway overpass or something, right? (See: celibate for two years. And for chronology’s sake, as far as I’m concerned Make Believe was never released. And their album before that came out in 2001, which is practically the nineties. In fact I’d argue that 2001 was the end of the nineties, but that’s another too-long post. ) Well, not anymore. Weezer’s new ‘Red Album’ (or their third(?) pompously self titled album) was released yesterday and it makes me feel all gooey inside. It makes me long for the days when I used to pick my girlfriend up in my 83 Audi and drive the long way to the mall because her mom was afraid of me driving on the highway. So, yea, imagine that and then imagine this cd being the soundtrack. But more mature. And sporting an uncomfortable mustache.

So, if you’re like me, over the course of this post you will have gone from shocked to depressed to disappointed to sentimental (which is the previous three combined but with music). Happy Re-Nineties! Happy Re-Adolescence! Happy Summer!

It’s my birthday!

Congratulations, Graduates!

We know it’s a little late.  We were just late on the story and we’ve been wallowing for a while about the Hatchet breaking the news before we could.  We just didn’t expect it to happen as soon as it did!  Man!  You graduated!

Love,

The Colonialist

Here’s a quote from the most trusted name in news, Perez Hilton:

Word on the street is that MTV is said to be testing out the waters and developing a Hills-like “reality” show based in Washington, D.C.

Goodbye Hollywood - hello politics!

I can’t help but thinking rich GW students and G-scene will some how be involved.  Here are some plot ideas:

• Will Spaulding’s Dad beat Trish’s Dad in that drama-bomb of a special election?
• What’s Mike Huckabee doing with Amber?
• What’s Ron Paul doing with Amber?
• What’s Ron Paul doing with Mike Huckabee?
• “Look, you are wrong Trent!  I’m filibustering until you concede from this argument!”
• “We have so much money!”
• What’s Condi Rice doing with Amber?

Also my three guesses at the name of the show:

• The Beltway
• Cocaine!
• Harsh city-wide racial segregation

UWire just came out with their list of Top 100 College Journalists.  Former Hatchet EIC Jake Sherman snagged a spot on the list. Emma Zayer, the creator and editor-in-chief of The Daily Colonial did as well. Congrats Jack and Emma.  YOU FINALLY MADE IT!

All right UWire… we’re just waiting on the list of Top 100 students who talk about news topics sometimes but aren’t journalists list.  And when you do, I want my fucking picture on that site, got it?

A huge end of the year bash at Wesleyan got broken up by the cops, and now it’s all over the news.  There were several arrests, and police used pepper spray, tasers, and even paintball guns.  Basically, shit got crazy.  There were about 250 students.  Wesleying, Wesleyan’s version of The Colonialist, has reports ALL over their blog, so it’s really best to check out their site, because their last 8 or so posts are all about the incident.  Here is an excerpt from a post summarizing the events:

Last night at approximately 1 AM several hundred students congregated outside of 25 Fountain. PSafe was there, and it was certainly a party, but hardly rowdy. There was no music except for some that which was drifting in from various house parties–Buru Style had gotten broken up earlier in the evening. PSafe was actually very friendly and approachable, greeting and joking with students they knew. However, they were trying to clear students off the street for quite some time.

At around 1:15, 7 Middletown Police cars arrived. As they were arriving, a bottle thrown by a student struck the windshield of the front police car, which instantly stopped. The police were unable to apprehend whoever threw the bottle.

(Note: WTNH is reporting that P-Safe called in the MPD and State Police to try to break up the party. -Justin)

For the forty-five minutes or so, the police tried to break everyone up. Most of the time, they just stood in the middle of the street talking to each other and walking around. Very few people left, and several chants and renditions of the fight song broke out at various times. Someone’s car alarm kept going off. Near the end, a smoke bomb exploded amid the police cars - probably a student action.

A K9 unit arrived (comprised of none other than Officer Douglas Clark, of Sour Patch fame), and several officers started suiting up with paintball guns, which would later turn out to be full of pepper balls (ie, they’re full of pepper spray, which releases on impact). The police then made an announcement over the loudspeaker of the front car, telling everyone to disperse. Nobody left.

If you want to picture the scene, think a typical packed Fountain party on a misty night. Line the entire street with MPD cars. Both sides of the street were flanked with curious/bewildered students with digicams and camera phones, and right in front of the first MPD car in the middle of the road is basically a clusterfuck of maybe 50-100 people. It’s this cluster that’s doing most of the chanting/singing/clapping.

About five minutes later, the police formed a line and started moving forward with their dogs and firing their paintball guns. A canister of tear/pepper gas was fired into the air. At this point it was pure chaos–One person made a run for it and was promptly brought to the ground by five MPDs. Picture people screaming at the police, students physically restraining other students, and one of the arrested kids kicking a patrol car’s door so hard that it bent the frame from the inside and nearly knocked out the window. MPD began menacingly shining the laser guides of their tasers at people. Five students were apprehended for various reasons (I saw at least one running). Of these, two were tasered, and at least three were viciously attacked by the dogs. Many people suffered from the pepper gas because the wind blew it across the crowd, towards Church Street. There was a lot of coughing and people covering their noses and mouths with their shirts. At some point, maybe out of spite, someone went into a house and turned up the music even louder. Students began asking for badge numbers and for reasons for the police presence and why their friends had gotten arrested. At some point state troopers showed up, but by then most of the action was over.

Twenty minutes later - nobody had left. The police got into their cars and drove away, to the crowd’s applause. Gradually the crowd began to disperse, with many wandering over to senior Fauver, outside of which Michael Roth (who was awoken by an enterprising pair of students) was giving a speech. Several news vans were in attendance. At this point, Fountain cleared and remaining psafe officers went around speaking with students, offering medical assistance and generally doing damage control.

Later, a crowd of about sixty-five students congregated at the police station, with nearly every one filing a complaint (I’ve addressed the efficacy of these complaints in an earlier post; let’s start writing some letters!). At approximately 4:30 AM, the remaining two students in custody were released.

Two students remain hospitalized, and the hospital is unwilling to give out any information on their condition except to family members. It is likely that at least one of these students will be facing more severe charges than the rest.

At 9 AM, Michael Roth will be holding a meeting/press conference in his office in South College. He has invited anyone interested to attend and participate.

Here is a newscast.  Check out the blog and the video.

[vodpod id=ExternalVideo.553236&w=425&h=350&fv=]

I’m not sure if this will affect the nature of police activity at college parties accross the board, which would obviously affect us here at GW, or if this was just an isolated event.  I also don’t know if this warrants a response from GW at all, or even if this will go beyond local news.  What do you think?